On
this sublime and cryptic trajectory travels through the thorny fields
lead one into uncharted territories…filled with temptations of
comfort, complacency, escape, transformation & redemption. For me
these variegated trails have thrown me into a place of deep conflict.
Always thinking I could “cure” the temptations, quiet the fear and fully
evict my anger.
Conflict is an inertia who’s existence is fed by the endless and co-dependent quest to conquer and destroy any signs of acquiescence…by nature conflict in me was proof I existed and proof I had something which validated my efforts, led my actions and directed my course.
What then becomes of a person when they seek to quell the inner fire & struggle of which ones entire life has been dedicated? I call it a personality lobotomy of sorts…for it is seemingly very easy (temporarily at least) to always define oneself in constant state of frenzy, nearing on insanity. I can remember the high I would feel from my warring mind, alive & fueled vehemently toward keeping resolve at bay. So when I begin to embark on a path which not only is intentionally free of conflict but of which any form of adversity is praised to be yet another exercise in extinguishing said conflict I begin to wonder what it is in fact that I am. Or rather who….
I have been feeling lately as if I am rewriting myself. I have become a diplomat in the house of my interior world. I become the omnipresent watcher inside my head reacting to the reactive element of my identity. I begin to retract any and all forms of judgment in lieu of overstepping my newly drawn boundaries. But then…what forms as the foundation of my newly established state? By not engaging the enemy I still find myself in enemy territory, establishing a dichotomous position still perpetuates this relationship. So I find in abolishing this vicious cycle it is necessary to affiliate my political patronage to the liberal center. Opening all opportunity and option of possibility, I become completely accepting of the thoughts that arise, which seek conflict & seek peace. They are forces of a great tug o war & I let them in. This time around however I just don’t arm them. They can play all day together, debate and dance and I am simply grabbing the popcorn and enjoying the show.
It has come to my attention recently with the help of some incredibly wise people that these forces of opposition, temptation, fear & judgment are going to live. Most likely forever. But in choosing to let them be, as simple unattached thoughts, they lose their strength and their surreptitious efforts to command my being. We all then join in to a lovely dance spinning, dipping and shasaying around my mental dance floor…and now are no less harmful than the butter in the popcorn.
Let the show begin.
Conflict is an inertia who’s existence is fed by the endless and co-dependent quest to conquer and destroy any signs of acquiescence…by nature conflict in me was proof I existed and proof I had something which validated my efforts, led my actions and directed my course.
What then becomes of a person when they seek to quell the inner fire & struggle of which ones entire life has been dedicated? I call it a personality lobotomy of sorts…for it is seemingly very easy (temporarily at least) to always define oneself in constant state of frenzy, nearing on insanity. I can remember the high I would feel from my warring mind, alive & fueled vehemently toward keeping resolve at bay. So when I begin to embark on a path which not only is intentionally free of conflict but of which any form of adversity is praised to be yet another exercise in extinguishing said conflict I begin to wonder what it is in fact that I am. Or rather who….
I have been feeling lately as if I am rewriting myself. I have become a diplomat in the house of my interior world. I become the omnipresent watcher inside my head reacting to the reactive element of my identity. I begin to retract any and all forms of judgment in lieu of overstepping my newly drawn boundaries. But then…what forms as the foundation of my newly established state? By not engaging the enemy I still find myself in enemy territory, establishing a dichotomous position still perpetuates this relationship. So I find in abolishing this vicious cycle it is necessary to affiliate my political patronage to the liberal center. Opening all opportunity and option of possibility, I become completely accepting of the thoughts that arise, which seek conflict & seek peace. They are forces of a great tug o war & I let them in. This time around however I just don’t arm them. They can play all day together, debate and dance and I am simply grabbing the popcorn and enjoying the show.
It has come to my attention recently with the help of some incredibly wise people that these forces of opposition, temptation, fear & judgment are going to live. Most likely forever. But in choosing to let them be, as simple unattached thoughts, they lose their strength and their surreptitious efforts to command my being. We all then join in to a lovely dance spinning, dipping and shasaying around my mental dance floor…and now are no less harmful than the butter in the popcorn.
Let the show begin.
